If you’re happy and you know it…
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The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.