mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
You Might Also Like
Um … Hot Wings please
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Strange
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Always
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot