Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
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Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
You sure about that?
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.