If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
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“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs