Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
You Might Also Like
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.