In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
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[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides