They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
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One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Flock of bats