Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
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[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
No regrets in 2018
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.