You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
You Might Also Like
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
#SCOTUS one-star review
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.