There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
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Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared