A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
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I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?