[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
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ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle