*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
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I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
wtf is an acronym
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.