Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
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In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.