Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
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just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Good news
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
my first dose meeting my second
Reporter: *ports again*
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
he chose this
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.