Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
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“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
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Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
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M:
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D: tobacco
Me: No.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Oceanography is all about current events
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.