non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
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*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.