If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
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No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.