Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
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There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Bless you
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls