My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
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[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair