F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
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DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
this chia pet tastes awful
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
“The Perfect Relationship”
? 💀
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”