I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
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*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Sorry I鈥檓 late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
you don鈥檛 scare me. you鈥檙e not a can of biscuits i鈥檓 about to open.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He鈥檚 on his 4th tour of Ikea.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma鈥檚, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Why hasn鈥檛 there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
馃槵
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don鈥檛.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”