Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
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i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
A huge thanks to the person that did this
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.