[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
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They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Oh boy, $150,000!
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer