My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
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Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
i’m sure it’s fine
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN