{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
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(yawn)
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Yes, this is exactly right
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.