In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
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People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.