Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
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*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace