corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
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me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?