Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
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Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
6: are snakes just neck?
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer