Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
You Might Also Like
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Hey i am sexy to you now
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.