Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
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At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
very niche meme I made
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.