If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
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My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
I can’t wait!
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.