If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
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There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
this is literally a CIA plant
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
my fav colour is also hitler
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
We found love in a hopeless place.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus