What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
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Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon