When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
You Might Also Like
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday