Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
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My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me