Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
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Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry