According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
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I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
#ProTip
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
LA today:
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.