One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
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[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Broom by every window for quick escape.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??