[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
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ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
me after eating Cheetos
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
At least he brought enough for everyone
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in