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What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.