National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
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When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)