Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
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*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.