one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
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I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
That was easy.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
just leave it at the foot of the bed
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
🤔😂😂
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.