*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
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My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.