I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
You Might Also Like
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
*limbos away from your hug*
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
The struggle is real.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?