Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
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establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.