If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
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[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.