The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
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If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
There is no “we” in pizza
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China